Author: JesusB

     Pie is one of mankindís most incredible inventions.  It mixes the fruity goodness of Mother Nature and the carbohydrate sugary content of the toxic sludge produced by Hostess.  This doesnít mean I donít trust Hostess, of course not, but itís true that that sugary coating over the pie cake things canít be COMPLETELY natural.  But itís damn good anyways.  Cherries, especially.  Interestingly, natural cherries are, very often, not as good as the obviously plastic or at least mutated maraschino cherries, which will eventually achieve sentience and wreak havoc upon our pathetic civilization in retribution for years of being limited to the position of Ice Cream Sunday topping!  The whipped cream shall be enslaved and the Ice Cream itself will be worshipped as a god.  Hot dogs will be worshipped also, because of the mystical mysteriousnosity of the ingredients...  You canít trust hot dogs.  Ever.  Not even if they look at you with those big, meaty, puppy dog eyes and say "Please, just one bite!  Please condimentalize me, O Great Mouth!"  Because however meaty those hot dogs look, THATíS NOT MEAT.  Itís as natural as toxic sludge.  Actually, less so, since toxic sludge at least comes from this universe.  Hot dogs are a mind control device created by vicious, moving squids with more tentacles than teeth, and more eyes than tentacles.  No, not really, hot dogs are just gross.  They contain all the things that the meat people couldnít sell off in any identifiable form.  That skin stuff, it isnít really anything you should eat.  Wrap a steak in Saran wrap if you want it that badly.  At least you know its meat.  Hamburgers can be good.  You need more ketchup and stuff if itís a McDonaldís hamburger or something, so you can hide the taste.  With homemade hamburgers you can eat them with just ketchup or something.  Theyíre too thick sometimes, though.  I think a good guideline would be to keep the burger as thick, maximum, as both sides of the bun put on top of each other.  That way, it isnít too pink in the middle.  Keep that in mind.  Your children will thank you.  French fries can be good... as long as theyíre made just right.  Undercooked fries are too starchy, and overcooked... well, you know how they are.  Thatís one of the few things the fast food industry has done right.  Fries arenít designed to be at all healthy, theyíre designed to be fatty, deep-fried, over-salted cancer bags.  Yeah, fries give you cancer now.  That adds potato products to everything else in the world, including the sun, cell phones, and cute, fuzzy little bunnies.  Okay, so not really the bunnies.  Yet.  You have to wonder, with the number of things that give you cancer these days, have these things ALWAYS given people cancer... or is it something more sinister?  <dramatic chord>  Maybe... someone... something... is making things into carcinogens.  Itís possible.  Not probable, certainly, but you can never rule anything out completely.  You can say itís been proven wrong, but that doesnít mean it IS.  Sure the worldís round... or is it?  Maybe itís a dual gravitational field that covers both sides and thereís a massive cover-up involving Area 51 and all those other government things.  With the number of conspiracies in the world, Area 51 must have its hands full.  Iíd like to use this space to propose a bill giving money to the poor overworked government sweat office.  Anyone want to second?